I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard.
~By Kathy Griffin ~
Almost anything makes me laugh, especially jokes at my own expense. And I will never, ever admit to being ticklish anywhere.
~By Judd Nelson ~
If you were on the phone with me and Tommy right now, we would probably forget you were there, we'd just be cracking jokes. It's like Beavis and Butthead.
~By Nikki Sixx ~
The thing about all good horror movies is that the fans expect a couple of inside jokes. Maybe I'm supposed to be saying how terrified I was while making it, but it was really fun.
~By Margot Kidder ~
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
~By Mitch Hedberg ~
All the jokes in my films, the comedy, they're not me, I just try to hold a big mirror up to us.
~By Yahoo Serious ~
Remember, if you do the same act for 20, 30 years it gets a little boring unless you've got something else going for you... And the orchestra really kept you going. They'd laugh at all your jokes, even if they'd been hearing them for the last 30 years.
~By Donald O'Connor ~
I'm definitely the worker. My brother is the jokester.
~By Taryn Manning ~
Comedy, at least the way I write comedy, is just drama with jokes.
~By Rob Walton ~
I'm not a standup. I don't really have jokes. I don't have 10 minutes. It took a while for me to realize this.
~By Julia Sweeney ~
I recently did the David Letterman Show about my book. He was very serious and made no jokes and it caught me off guard a little bit. He was much more serious than some of the joke shows that journalists get on.
~By Bob Woodward ~
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
~By Emo Philips ~
I've included these little jokes and mysteries in my writing for the amusement of readers.
~By Armistead Maupin ~
Jokes are grievances.
~By Marshall McLuhan ~
I'm from New York, I make kind of somewhat maybe lewd, at times - maybe some would say dirty - jokes. But in jest.
~By Sarah Michelle Gellar ~
You can't just yell jokes at people.
~By David Cross ~
I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes.
~By Sandra Bernhard ~
I love life in spite of all that mars it. I love friendship, jokes and laughter.
~By Tahar Ben Jelloun ~
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
~By Mitch Hedberg ~
I feel that after all those horrible reviews and jokes, I wasn't crazy all these years to stand up for the music I believe in. This album has proven that somewhere in the human race, the human heart is still racing and breaking and I am so grateful.
~By Barry Manilow ~
I crack jokes and play games and that's really more my nature than being cold.
~By Bernhard Langer ~
I've always been terrible on regular sitcoms with lots of jokes. I don't know how to tell jokes.
~By Rainn Wilson ~
My dog was with me all the time. I talked to my dog. She was my best buddy. I shared all my secrets with her, but I don't think I every really tried jokes out with the dog.
~By Cathy Guisewite ~
Because it's uncensored cable, I think we'll be able to do the kind of sketch comedy that really hasn't been seen before. We can actually finish jokes.
~By Aries Spears ~
I don't think I could ever do a network sitcom because the humor is often based on some trite circumstance. I don't want to be a part of a show where it's mostly about coming up with the jokes.
~By Sherilyn Fenn ~
It wasn't until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I'm just behind the jokes.
~By Wanda Sykes ~
A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
~By George Eliot ~
Honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting, and there is no jovial companionship equal to that where the jokes are rather small and laughter abundant.
~By Washington Irving ~
The most fun I ever have is sitting in with Rick writing, and we laugh at our own jokes.
~By Adrian Edmondson ~
Wit is a weapon. Jokes are a masculine way of inflicting superiority. But humor is the pursuit of a gentle grin, usually in solitude.
~By Frank Muir ~
If you keep making jokes like that, somebody is going to shoot you, father.
~By Mary Todd Lincoln ~
If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes.
~By Bob Edwards ~
I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
~By David Letterman ~
I'm not Mr. Debonair Suave. I'm just a regular boy who goofs around, pulls pranks, and makes jokes. That doesn't sound very hot to me.
~By Jensen Ackles ~
You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.
~By Ron White ~
Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me.
~By Robert Frost ~
It had more layers than an onion. These writers meant business. There was a level for everybody. Your major could be celestial mechanics, and there'd be celestial-mechanics jokes.
~By Billy West ~
Some of those more out-there jokes were written in the wee hours of the morning. Somehow, they remained funny the next day.
~By Seth MacFarlane ~
I reserve the right to tell shaggy dog stories or even common jokes as part of what I'm doing. I don't give a damn if half the audience walks out.
~By David Antin ~
Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
~By George Eliot ~
In New York there isn't that weird palpable competitive thing where it's friendly but everyone isn't trying to top one another with jokes when you're just hanging around.
~By David Cross ~
I have 40 years of unpublished material, the ones they don't pick, and the reason I don't redraw them or use them again is that I like to use my brain every day and come up with new jokes.
~By Sergio Aragones ~
A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.
~By Ludwig Wittgenstein ~
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
~By Will Rogers ~
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
~By Dolly Parton ~
Jokes are better than war. Even the most aggressive jokes are better than the least aggressive wars. Even the longest jokes are better than the shortest wars.
~By George Mikes ~
My whole life, I've been telling jokes.
~By Brad Garrett ~
I think the more the actor lets you know what he thinks of the character, the less the audience cares - like a comedian who laughs at his own jokes.
~By Neil LaBute ~
Our show was - it remained - you know, kids could watch it and laugh at it. And they wouldn't know - they wouldn't get the jokes. But they would laugh at it. So they tell me now they have grown up and they're watching it. Now they get the jokes. But we didn't say anything blatant.
~By Rue McClanahan ~
When there are no women on the tour it can get awful and ugly - constant horrible jokes and gross behaviour. It needs to be leavened with a feminine presence.
~By Evan Dando ~
A girl can tell I like her when I blush or start telling bad jokes.
~By Zac Efron ~
I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one.
~By Marilyn Monroe ~
I love the idea that we put in jokes the kids don't get. And that later, when they grow up and read a few books and go to college and watch the show again, they can get it on a completely different level.
~By Matt Groening ~
Times change. The farmer's daughter now tells jokes about the traveling salesman.
~By Carey Williams ~
My driver Kellie Frost and I would race these fellows home and they were always faster on the highway. We did the same with Daniel and his driver, and thus began a long series of jokes and competitions to alleviate the impossible hours and tensions this film provoked.
~By Madeleine Stowe ~
Sometimes people get passionate about the obscure jokes.
~By Martin Short ~
You can trust a Neil Simon script. Every dot. Every dash; that pause means something. He takes all the jokes out, practically.
~By Hector Elizondo ~
I grew up in an environment of jokes and sarcasm and puns. I talk that way, so I write that way.
~By Allan Sloan ~
Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives.
~By Robert Collier ~
'St. Elmo's Fire' is one of my favorite films. I like the storytelling of those teenage American films. You don't get that now. Teenage American movies are all about sick jokes, puking a lot, arse jokes.
~By James McAvoy ~
I can tell jokes. I can talk to the audience. I can relax. I can change my songs whenever I want. I can change the tempos. I can change the mood, because I'm in charge.
~By Robert Goulet ~
The storyboard artists job is to plan out shot for shot the whole show, write all the dialog, and decide the mood, action, jokes, pacing, etc of every scene.
~By Craig McCracken ~
They have what you call a black night where they have black people come in for just one night only to watch comedy, and you get all your local drug dealers, thugs, prostitutes, all of them come in, sit down, and listen to you tell jokes. They the hardest people to make laugh.
~By Mike Epps ~
It's perfectly okay if you don't understand every single one of them. For one thing, I make a lot of corny jokes, and you have to be 40 years old to get some of them.
~By Brian P. Cleary ~
I guess my idea of a good audience is one that's quiet and listens, but also that's alive: they respond, they're getting the jokes, they're with me. And that' s been happening.
~By Dan Hicks ~
One of the jokes on our flight is that, if we have a normal entry day going, the plan is for me... to actually take the orbiter first and fly it for maybe 10 or 15 seconds and then hand it on over to Scooter.
~By Duane G. Carey ~
I guess I'm like Roger Miller who used to say that he didn't have as many jokes as he thought he did.
~By Glen Campbell ~
Most jokes state a bitter truth.
~By Larry Gelbart ~
I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
~By Tim Vine ~
There's a glorious sense of freedom in comedy, just allowing myself to tell jokes, allowing myself to interrupt myself and tell old African folk stories that I made up - or didn't - and Jamaican stories.
~By Neil Gaiman ~
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
~By Fred Allen ~
Johnny Carson started the jokes about me and Marlin in his monologues.
~By Jim Fowler ~
Everyone for the most part is really nice. There have always been jokes, but that's part of being in the spotlight. You can't make everyone completely happy.
~By Tina Yothers ~
It's much easier to make jokes about sensitive issues if there is some dissent, some conflict.
~By Mo Rocca ~
Sometimes we have to actually say, I think you're really funny, but none of your jokes are going to make it on the air. So just answer my questions. Seriously.
~By Rob Corddry ~
Musician jokes are a kind of joke that usually have to do with how much money someone makes. Musicians are always starving, so they're really mean to each other about who makes what.
~By Jackson Browne ~
It is requisite for the relaxation of the mind that we make use, from time to time, of playful deeds and jokes.
~By Thomas Aquinas ~
Family jokes, though rightly cursed by strangers, are the bond that keeps most families alive.
~By Stella Benson ~
Don't make jokes about food.
~By David Lean ~
One of my biggest problems with comedy was that I did not understand some of the jokes.
~By Desi Arnaz ~
It was a somber place, haunted by old jokes and lost laughter. Life, as I discovered, holds no more wretched occupation than trying to make the English laugh.
~By Malcolm Muggeridge ~
The most casual examination will reveal the fact that all the jokes about the horrible results of masculine cooking and sewing are written by men. It is all part of a great scheme of sex propaganda.
~By Heywood Broun ~
When I was 14, I thought I was the coolest kid in school because I told everyone the jokes in FHM.
~By Megan Fox ~
People make jokes about how black people are the first ones to be killed off.
~By Sanaa Lathan ~
People make jokes about my bosoms, why don't they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It's obvious I've got big ones and if people want to assume they're not mine, then let them.
~By Dolly Parton ~
We were watching the first series recently, and it has a charm, a kind of amateur charm. At that point we didn't involve ourselves technically at all - we just messed about and told our jokes - and it looks a bit like that.
~By Jennifer Saunders ~
The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.
~By David Ogilvy ~
Well, there are conjoined twins in real life and we can tell a story about them so long as they're not the brunt of the jokes. In this, they're the heroes of this story; we love these guys.
~By Bobby Farrelly ~
A lot of the jokes had some build-up to some nasty stuff. But most of it was all character situations leading to what the ultimate payoff would be for that character.
~By Shawn Wayans ~
There's a few tunes of mine that don't have jokes, but most of them have a joke and they have a humorous point of view somewhere.
~By Mose Allison ~
Yes, I would say my comedy is grunge, evidenced by the fact my jokes have put an end to big-hair glam comedy.
~By Joel McHale ~
I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry.
~By Sam Kinison ~
I don't want to see people decorating a house or digging a garden. As for guys like Jonathan Ross, he got an award there last Christmas. What for? He doesn't sing, dance or tell jokes, does he?
~By Ian St. John ~
For every ten jokes you acquire a hundred enemies.
~By Laurence Sterne ~
The main jokes in this film are about big things, love and life and zombies - we all get that.
~By Simon Pegg ~
When you are in a room and your job is to write jokes 10 hours a day, your mind starts going to strange places.
~By Seth MacFarlane ~
I try to exist in a world where there is freedom of opinion, where you're allowed to make jokes. I don't want to live in some PC world where no-one's allowed to say anything.
~By Boy George ~
But it's fun to be something, have that, and you don't have to be real. It's like, comedians. They go on and they're doing all these jokes. I would be like that if I were more awake.
~By Parker Posey ~
A civil servant doesn't make jokes.
~By Eugene Ionesco ~
Writing for young children I find I often use particular jokes with words and exaggerated, funny events, but some of these haunt the more complex stories for older children too.
~By Margaret Mahy ~
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