I reserve the right to tell shaggy dog stories or even common jokes as part of what I'm doing. I don't give a damn if half the audience walks out.
~By David Antin ~
Jokes are grievances.
~By Marshall McLuhan ~
You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic.
~By Dylan Moran ~
I never really was much of a practical jokester or anything.
~By Kristanna Loken ~
I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
~By David Letterman ~
A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.
~By Ludwig Wittgenstein ~
It's perfectly okay if you don't understand every single one of them. For one thing, I make a lot of corny jokes, and you have to be 40 years old to get some of them.
~By Brian P. Cleary ~
I've included these little jokes and mysteries in my writing for the amusement of readers.
~By Armistead Maupin ~
My way of fitting in was through jokes and making people laugh.
~By Carrot Top ~
My driver Kellie Frost and I would race these fellows home and they were always faster on the highway. We did the same with Daniel and his driver, and thus began a long series of jokes and competitions to alleviate the impossible hours and tensions this film provoked.
~By Madeleine Stowe ~
I don't like jokes in speeches. I do like wit and humor. A joke is to humor what pornography is to erotic language in a good novel.
~By James Humes ~
It's the teenage and university crowd, so we give them lots of sex jokes and gross humour.
~By Keenen Ivory Wayans ~
It is requisite for the relaxation of the mind that we make use, from time to time, of playful deeds and jokes.
~By Thomas Aquinas ~
I don't think I could ever do a network sitcom because the humor is often based on some trite circumstance. I don't want to be a part of a show where it's mostly about coming up with the jokes.
~By Sherilyn Fenn ~
It had more layers than an onion. These writers meant business. There was a level for everybody. Your major could be celestial mechanics, and there'd be celestial-mechanics jokes.
~By Billy West ~
Some of those more out-there jokes were written in the wee hours of the morning. Somehow, they remained funny the next day.
~By Seth MacFarlane ~
Wit is a weapon. Jokes are a masculine way of inflicting superiority. But humor is the pursuit of a gentle grin, usually in solitude.
~By Frank Muir ~
I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes.
~By Sandra Bernhard ~
Because it's uncensored cable, I think we'll be able to do the kind of sketch comedy that really hasn't been seen before. We can actually finish jokes.
~By Aries Spears ~
You can trust a Neil Simon script. Every dot. Every dash; that pause means something. He takes all the jokes out, practically.
~By Hector Elizondo ~
It's much easier to make jokes about sensitive issues if there is some dissent, some conflict.
~By Mo Rocca ~
Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives.
~By Robert Collier ~
If you were on the phone with me and Tommy right now, we would probably forget you were there, we'd just be cracking jokes. It's like Beavis and Butthead.
~By Nikki Sixx ~
A lot of the jokes had some build-up to some nasty stuff. But most of it was all character situations leading to what the ultimate payoff would be for that character.
~By Shawn Wayans ~
I'm from New York, I make kind of somewhat maybe lewd, at times - maybe some would say dirty - jokes. But in jest.
~By Sarah Michelle Gellar ~
If you keep making jokes like that, somebody is going to shoot you, father.
~By Mary Todd Lincoln ~
When you are in a room and your job is to write jokes 10 hours a day, your mind starts going to strange places.
~By Seth MacFarlane ~
In polite society one laughs at all the jokes, including the ones one has heard before.
~By Frank Dane ~
My whole life, I've been telling jokes.
~By Brad Garrett ~
It wasn't until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I'm just behind the jokes.
~By Wanda Sykes ~
I'm not Mr. Debonair Suave. I'm just a regular boy who goofs around, pulls pranks, and makes jokes. That doesn't sound very hot to me.
~By Jensen Ackles ~
When I make a book, I make it for the child and not for the parent - no jokes in it for the parents!
~By Dick Bruna ~
Soon I learned that the worse the puns and jokes, the funnier they could be, if you knew how to deliver them.
~By John Lasseter ~
I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one.
~By Marilyn Monroe ~
People make jokes about how black people are the first ones to be killed off.
~By Sanaa Lathan ~
I'm not a standup. I don't really have jokes. I don't have 10 minutes. It took a while for me to realize this.
~By Julia Sweeney ~
One of my biggest problems with comedy was that I did not understand some of the jokes.
~By Desi Arnaz ~
The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.
~By David Letterman ~
'St. Elmo's Fire' is one of my favorite films. I like the storytelling of those teenage American films. You don't get that now. Teenage American movies are all about sick jokes, puking a lot, arse jokes.
~By James McAvoy ~
I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.
~By Drew Carey ~
The people that become the biggest jokes are people who do not change. They stay the way they were in the past. Look at Michael Jackson, he never evolved.
~By Corey Feldman ~
Most shows, you really have to force it. And everybody's nervous, and the network is nervous, and they've all got their notepads out, and they're all going to give notes on what they think is funny, and everybody's trying to spin their jokes, and this was so - the script was so good that we didn't have to really do anything, and it made it so easy for us to do well.
~By Will Arnett ~
Well, there are conjoined twins in real life and we can tell a story about them so long as they're not the brunt of the jokes. In this, they're the heroes of this story; we love these guys.
~By Bobby Farrelly ~
When there are no women on the tour it can get awful and ugly - constant horrible jokes and gross behaviour. It needs to be leavened with a feminine presence.
~By Evan Dando ~
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
~By Emo Philips ~
I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard.
~By Kathy Griffin ~
The most casual examination will reveal the fact that all the jokes about the horrible results of masculine cooking and sewing are written by men. It is all part of a great scheme of sex propaganda.
~By Heywood Broun ~
The storyboard artists job is to plan out shot for shot the whole show, write all the dialog, and decide the mood, action, jokes, pacing, etc of every scene.
~By Craig McCracken ~
When I was 14, I thought I was the coolest kid in school because I told everyone the jokes in FHM.
~By Megan Fox ~
All the jokes in my films, the comedy, they're not me, I just try to hold a big mirror up to us.
~By Yahoo Serious ~
Times change. The farmer's daughter now tells jokes about the traveling salesman.
~By Carey Williams ~
I've always been terrible on regular sitcoms with lots of jokes. I don't know how to tell jokes.
~By Rainn Wilson ~
Writing for young children I find I often use particular jokes with words and exaggerated, funny events, but some of these haunt the more complex stories for older children too.
~By Margaret Mahy ~
We were watching the first series recently, and it has a charm, a kind of amateur charm. At that point we didn't involve ourselves technically at all - we just messed about and told our jokes - and it looks a bit like that.
~By Jennifer Saunders ~
You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.
~By Ron White ~
A girl can tell I like her when I blush or start telling bad jokes.
~By Zac Efron ~
You can't just yell jokes at people.
~By David Cross ~
In New York there isn't that weird palpable competitive thing where it's friendly but everyone isn't trying to top one another with jokes when you're just hanging around.
~By David Cross ~
I don't want to be 60 years old standing on stage telling some jokes. I want my life to mean something.
~By Steve Harvey ~
Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
~By George Eliot ~
I love the idea that we put in jokes the kids don't get. And that later, when they grow up and read a few books and go to college and watch the show again, they can get it on a completely different level.
~By Matt Groening ~
Comedy, at least the way I write comedy, is just drama with jokes.
~By Rob Walton ~
I feel that after all those horrible reviews and jokes, I wasn't crazy all these years to stand up for the music I believe in. This album has proven that somewhere in the human race, the human heart is still racing and breaking and I am so grateful.
~By Barry Manilow ~
Yes, I would say my comedy is grunge, evidenced by the fact my jokes have put an end to big-hair glam comedy.
~By Joel McHale ~
There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation.
~By Larry David ~
Musician jokes are a kind of joke that usually have to do with how much money someone makes. Musicians are always starving, so they're really mean to each other about who makes what.
~By Jackson Browne ~
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
~By Will Rogers ~
Honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting, and there is no jovial companionship equal to that where the jokes are rather small and laughter abundant.
~By Washington Irving ~
Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me.
~By Robert Frost ~
Johnny Carson started the jokes about me and Marlin in his monologues.
~By Jim Fowler ~
I don't want to see people decorating a house or digging a garden. As for guys like Jonathan Ross, he got an award there last Christmas. What for? He doesn't sing, dance or tell jokes, does he?
~By Ian St. John ~
But it's fun to be something, have that, and you don't have to be real. It's like, comedians. They go on and they're doing all these jokes. I would be like that if I were more awake.
~By Parker Posey ~
I do jokes about what's funny, and both sides are funny.
~By Mark Russell ~
A civil servant doesn't make jokes.
~By Eugene Ionesco ~
I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry.
~By Sam Kinison ~
This is our lance. See, you're making me laugh about this now, because there have been a few jokes on the set about what they actually look like. But, see, I personally think they'd be a great toy. So... just batteries aren't included.
~By Kevin Sorbo ~
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
~By Mitch Hedberg ~
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
~By Mitch Hedberg ~
Sometimes people get passionate about the obscure jokes.
~By Martin Short ~
I recently did the David Letterman Show about my book. He was very serious and made no jokes and it caught me off guard a little bit. He was much more serious than some of the joke shows that journalists get on.
~By Bob Woodward ~
I try to exist in a world where there is freedom of opinion, where you're allowed to make jokes. I don't want to live in some PC world where no-one's allowed to say anything.
~By Boy George ~
Everyone for the most part is really nice. There have always been jokes, but that's part of being in the spotlight. You can't make everyone completely happy.
~By Tina Yothers ~
People make jokes about my bosoms, why don't they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It's obvious I've got big ones and if people want to assume they're not mine, then let them.
~By Dolly Parton ~
The most fun I ever have is sitting in with Rick writing, and we laugh at our own jokes.
~By Adrian Edmondson ~
I crack jokes and play games and that's really more my nature than being cold.
~By Bernhard Langer ~
Perhaps our Irish friends should not so completely turn their backs on their historical dishes, no matter how many jokes they might have to endure.
~By Nick Clooney ~
Family jokes, though rightly cursed by strangers, are the bond that keeps most families alive.
~By Stella Benson ~
I can tell jokes. I can talk to the audience. I can relax. I can change my songs whenever I want. I can change the tempos. I can change the mood, because I'm in charge.
~By Robert Goulet ~
Our show was - it remained - you know, kids could watch it and laugh at it. And they wouldn't know - they wouldn't get the jokes. But they would laugh at it. So they tell me now they have grown up and they're watching it. Now they get the jokes. But we didn't say anything blatant.
~By Rue McClanahan ~
There's a few tunes of mine that don't have jokes, but most of them have a joke and they have a humorous point of view somewhere.
~By Mose Allison ~
Zac Efron is like a brother who's just goofy and crazy. He plays a lot of practical jokes.
~By Ashley Tisdale ~
I guess my idea of a good audience is one that's quiet and listens, but also that's alive: they respond, they're getting the jokes, they're with me. And that' s been happening.
~By Dan Hicks ~
If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes.
~By Bob Edwards ~
It was a somber place, haunted by old jokes and lost laughter. Life, as I discovered, holds no more wretched occupation than trying to make the English laugh.
~By Malcolm Muggeridge ~
They have what you call a black night where they have black people come in for just one night only to watch comedy, and you get all your local drug dealers, thugs, prostitutes, all of them come in, sit down, and listen to you tell jokes. They the hardest people to make laugh.
~By Mike Epps ~
It's not like we have a formula, but I think one of the reasons this show has survived is that it has a big heart at its center. Other cartoon shows have people crap on each other and make racist jokes. But I don't think people tune in for that. I just don't think a show lasts for 10 years without a heart.
~By Trey Parker ~
I have 40 years of unpublished material, the ones they don't pick, and the reason I don't redraw them or use them again is that I like to use my brain every day and come up with new jokes.
~By Sergio Aragones ~
I'm definitely the worker. My brother is the jokester.
~By Taryn Manning ~
Sometimes we have to actually say, I think you're really funny, but none of your jokes are going to make it on the air. So just answer my questions. Seriously.
~By Rob Corddry ~
The main jokes in this film are about big things, love and life and zombies - we all get that.
~By Simon Pegg ~
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